The article was written a few years back, yet the torrent of online nonsense has continued to roll in. So, I'm going to shamelessly rip-off Mr. Herrington's great idea and bring you an updated addition.
(Ed Note: This ispart one of what I expect to be an ongoing feature. Once I collect enough forum silliness for another entry I will have a part two for you all!)
Here we go!
Q: If I top-rope solo with a micro-ascender that has teeth, won't the teeth shred the sheath of my rope and get me killed?
A: No, that's almost guaranteed to NOT happen. Climbing ropes are obscenely strong, much stronger than any other aspect of your overall safety system (harness, belay device, bolts, trad gear, etc), and it you're top-rope soloing correctly, you will have some sort of weight at the bottom of the rope to help it feed smoothly. Now, were that not done, or for whatever other reason, a loop of slack has been formed, then a fall would generate more force than is ideal, and in that circumstance the teeth of the ascender will cause micro abrasions in the rope's sheath that will, over time, shorten the life of the rope. But to have a catastrophic severing of the sheath that would lead to a cut rope and death is something that only happens in the world of Hollywood climbing physics.
Like exploding bolts:
A: That depends, do you know the difference between food the USDA labels as "Organic" and food they label "100% Organic"?
I was unaware that there was a difference, I just buy whatever is cheaper.
A: Then no, you are probably an actual dirtbag and should think about moving to Moab, UT. Boulder is expensive, and the quality of climbing is less stellar than the QUANTITY of nearby rock. If you just want a place to live that's close to climbing, then there are better cities to move to, Boulder is really just a sweet spot for climbers who want an upwardly mobile career as much as they want plentiful rock to get on.
A: No, the "really well" part of your question throws us for a loop here. There are two main types of crampons, those with horizontal frontpoints and those with vertical frontpoints
Horizontal frontpoints excel at glacier travel, and vertical frontpoints excel at water ice climbing. The reason is surface area and medium in which they're used. Glaciers are formed by snow that falls and doesn't melt, overtime freezing into a more solid state. The fact that glaciers began as snow means that it's a less dense medium, and easier to penetrate. The extra surface area of a horizontal front point will give you more purchase in the less dense frozen snow. On the other hand, water ice is a denser medium, and resists penetration more than glacier snow, and so the smaller surface area of a vertical frontpoint is going to be easier to kick into the ice and so you'll expend less energy on your footwork. Now, if we take the "really well" out of your question, then it's a different story as either style CAN both cross glaciers and climb ice. But, if we have to pick just one, then we're going to go with horizontal front points, because they climb ice better than vertical frontpoints cross glaciers. I personally own both styles, and would recommend that you start off with the horizontals and purchase verticals as soon as you can afford them.
A: Are you a woman?
-Yes, but why does that matter?
If you're a woman, then let me introduce you to the concept of a "thirsty bro", this is a type of single male climber who is ALWAYS willing to take a female outside climbing as the initial step of a complex mating ritual that they are pretty sure will work... Now, as a female, you can quite easily "friend-zone" the thirsty bro at any point in time, and probably not lose your ice climbing mentor.
Q: But Will, how can I find a thirsty bro that ice climbs?
A: That's easy. Like a fur trapper during the French Colonization of Quebec, you simply get your prey to come to YOU. Here's how. Figure out which of your local climbing gyms has an indoor crack climb. Get on that crack climb. PRETEND to struggle really hard on it, soon enough, a thirsty bro will come up and offer to give you pointers on how to crack climb. Pretend to be grateful for the help and ask if they're "big trad climbers", they will say yes. Then ask "do you also ice climb?" they will likely say they do, then you just say "oh, that looks so rugged and manly and adventurous, I've always wanted to try!". Wait about ten seconds and you'll be invited to a free lesson from the thirsty bro. Boom, you just saved a few hundred dollars by not having to hire a guide.
A: No, this is isn't fake. I wouldn't call it "news" either. (Or maybe it is, it's hard to tell)
A: Not at all! You do you bro. Want to fly a drone around me while I'm climbing? Go right ahead, just send me any good pictures you take. Now, flying a drone over the Pakistani Tribal Areas is a different story, and is an asshole move more often than it isn't.
Q: Should I climb in a helmet?
A: Yes, yes you should, most of the time. Wearing a helmet is typically not an all or nothing proposition, and each climber has to decide what circumstance is a helmet situation or a no-helmet situation based on their own risk tolerance.
I've decided the following:
Ice climbing: Helmet... always a helmet
Alpine Rock Climbing: Helmet
Multipitch cragging: Helmet
Single pitch trad leading: Helmet
Top roping single pitch route: No helmet
Hiking to a rock climb: No helmet
Hiking to an ice climb: Helmet (for at least portions of it)
Bouldering: depends
Q: When it comes to environmental stewardship, aren't climbers kinda hypocritical? What with their 4x4 vehicles and gear made from petroleum byproducts?
A: Yes, a little bit. But aside from Dancing Fawn, Osiris and their buddies at the Rainbow Gathering, you aren't going to find a group of people who tread any lighter on the earth.
Q: How can I stay warm while belaying someone who is leading an ice climb without taking my hands off of the belay device?
A: There are a few proactive measures I would recommend, as well as one reactive solution. First, I ALWAYS wear a summit pack on multipitch ice climbs, inside of which I keep a synthetic belay parka (I recommend this one, and this one), a thermos filled with hot chicken broth (good electrolytes and tasty!) a couple of cliff bars and my belay gloves (heavy insulated work gloves from a hardware store with a spray-on DWR coating). Once I get to a belay. I first place a couple of ice screws to secure myself, then put on my belay gloves and parka. Then, before bringing up the follower, I do a few windmills with my arms to force blood back into my hands. Once the follower reaches the belay, I like to take a second to eat something then have a few sips of broth from my thermos. You want to be running a calorie surplus as much as possible while winter climbing, but you're burning a ton of calories, so eat as often as possible. And finally, if I begin to get cold as I belay the leader, I simply do a bunch of bodyweight squats as I belay to keep my heart rate up.
And... That's all for now, more to come I'm sure.
